Hey you lot. It’s Cupid…and I am all fucked up. Well, my empty bottle may be one of the reasons but let’s not go stating the most obvious answer. Why not think a bit deeper. With every sip of my liquid courage, clarity focuses in and out and I think of my life. It’s been a crazy one, filled with boobs, booze, and YouTube. Being the alpha and omega of love has come with good times…and bad. I wish that all my tales where loving and happy but sometimes they just are not. Seems I’m on the losing end more often than the latter. Then there are times…where my tales are just re-damn-tarded (mostly involving Jeff). This was the case with an old classmate of mine named Batista. Our tale was not of the ordinary sorts at all, yet amusing enough for us to give it back to you all. Let’s revisit this tale from ages ago from Loveless. Enjoy, or at least fake it. My feelings won’t be hurt…okay maybe a little *looks inside empty bottle*
Like most of you, when I get bored, I kick back and do a bit of internet browsing. This usually consists of research to see who deserves a love bullet or two (I have porn sites book marked. Matter of fact I got 16 tabs open…15 streaming porn…I got a slow connection…I digress). So on this particular day I see that Jeff has been on the old desktop. While closing his tabs I get stuck on one. Said tab has a video titled “Crazy mother fu*ker named Cupid”. If you haven’t, take a gander at the following clip and meet me in what I like to call…paragraph 2.
Seen it? See how they talk about me? Now don’t get me wrong, that shit was funny as Psyche slapping the shit outta Jeff the other day for not paying her back on time (that single tear he shed made it real). With that said, I definitely didn’t hate the video at all. I, as you people call it…laughed my ass off (Hotdamnirock…you do indeed rock. Keep up these hilarious shits). But now I’m going to have to clear my good name *pours glass of Jack* Now I need everyone to shut the fuck up and take notes (man this alcohol is kicking in fast…sorry for the belligerence…ladies. Fellas, man up). What was I talking about? Ohh yeah, clearing my name. Please read on…
So what the video did get right is there was a crazy mother fucker named Cupid…it just wasn’t moi. It was actually this guy I went to school with. Where the fuck would I go to school? Cherub school…keep up people. At this school they taught us all kinds of useful shit…like…umm…man they didn’t teach us much actually. If you were short and chubby with wings it’s just where they made you go. The only thing though was I wasn’t just a cherub, I was the God of Love. Naturally jealousy would arise from my amazing lineage.
The guy that hated me the most was this kid named Batista. Every time I did something awesome Batista would try to sabotage it. I didn’t mind though, I mean this was me at my best so I just wanted the fellow cherubs to be happy. So one day I decided to throw those fuckers a bone. I let them all have a try at being me for a day. You may not know about it but it caused the great orgy of 1510…man was that shit a mistake.
So these idiots just went around shooting everyone they saw with love…and considering the victims were already naked…man…just all bad. I had to do a ton of fixing shit up and it was not easy. The thing was though, of all my classmates, Batista didn’t go crazy. He had one girl he really wanted to love him. So he shot her and she was enamored with him. Without knowing this to be the case, right before he was about to receive his first kiss, I kinda swooped in and shot the shit outta her. She was deeply in love with me instantaneously. From that day forward Batista swore vengeance on me.
So what did he do? He posed as me while I was all depressed going through my Psyche shit. He stole some arrows…made some homemade love juice (you guys do not want to know the ingredients…trust) and went around saying he was me…messing up all types of shit. I’ve been fixing Batista’s mess ever since and I know it was him in that damn video.
I’m not gonna blame it all on him, I’ve gotten a bit bad at the job, but I can’t have you guys just thinking all bad about me. No worries, I promise to do the best I can to fix all the wrongs. And with you guys aware of it, I know that I am not alone. And don’t worry about Batista. He’s doing okay now. He found his passion in TV. Be sure to catch his new show “Would you do it for the Love of Batista” airing this fall… I may throw the guy an arrow or two to make sure it goes right this time.
(Original Painting by master Raphael: Triumph of Galatea 1511)