Gather around kids as we welcome you to yet another Loveless Wednesday. No this is not Cupid, nor even Jeff (not even cute, curvy little Psyche). No, I’m just an omnipotent story teller who would like for you all to listen in on a tale. This little story shall feature a bit of action…a smidge of comedy, and of course love, or lack there of? (but no special effects, not quite in the budget right now). So sit back, relax and most of all enjoy our superb syllables.
Chapter 1: Building Blocks
A faucet ran with luke-warm water as a loud, migraine inducing beep echoed throughout the house. The form filling liquid found its newest shape in an awaiting set of palms. Overflowing from it’s new temporary nest, the water is quickly splashed on the face of the owner of said palms. She would then drag her newly moistened hands down her face as if she was trying to hide behind the protective darkness for as long as possible. Her lips began to part and as a single bead of liquid stretches between the parting opening. A single breath hints at her oncoming words…
“Fuck this goddamn shit! And how in the fuck did I not turn off that damn alarm?”
Meet Maria Velasquez. A very pretty girl, aged 28 with naturally curly hair that she wakes up an extra hour to straighten regularly, because it makes her look more professional. Don’t let her little curvy figure fool you, she is not that dangerous…unless we count her potty mouth. But, she has a way with words. The only thing that matters at this moment is that she is not having the best of mornings. She storms back in to her room, half awake, 16% confused, 12% hungry, 3% horny, and a whopping 19% angry. Why so angry? Because it’s 4:48 am and she doesn’t feel like being up, at all. She runs over and slaps the alarms clock. The force rips the cord out of the socket and it ricochets and pimp slaps her in the back of the head. Out of sheer anger Maria eyes the landing spot of the clock, runs on top of her bed and jumps on it in a very Bruce Lee-esque kill shot pounce (we give the landing a 7 out of ten. We saw that stumble at the end missy. Better head to the 3 minute mark if you want to see how it’s done).
With Maria’s third clock this month now in shambles, she tries to think of why she is so sleepy. Then it hits her. She was up all night playing the newest gaming app sensational, Treasure Chase, with a user simply named ‘MuscleHuNk27’. She laughed to herself when she wondered if he could actually be this big muscular guy who just happens to be a hunk. She knows better as she looks in the mirror and pinches her stomach (that she has done a marvelous job into convincing herself is fat).
“He’s probably some pimple nosed teenager that nobody would give a lay to even for five thousand bucks. You know what? With my salary I’d maybe just…wait…I’m just kidding…or am I? I need cocaine otherwise known as coffee…ugh.”
Maria continues to get dressed. But ‘What does she do you ask?’ Well she’s a school teacher. A first grade one to be exact. And she HATES it.
Chapter 2: Window Prints
Maria gets to work on time as usual, after giving herself another Beyonce-like car performance (read…something that sounded like a cat in pain misquoting song lyrics). With 15 or so minutes to go before her students come, she begins to organize her desk.
“Wait…where is it?” In a panic, Maria searches every drawer of her desk, then looks under it, followed by crawling under it in order to get a better look.
“Ahem” a voice echoes. Maria slowly crawls from under the desk and looks up. The janitor stands waving a book in front of her.
“Donald!!! Ohmigod! How did you find that? Give it back! You have no right!”
“Calm down woman,” said the grinning Donald. “I didn’t read it, not all of it anyway.” Donald, a slightly older man at age 31, very tone in frame which was contrasted by him dirty work boots and newly thinning hair, tugged on his jumpsuit collar. He walked over and looked down at the much shorter Maria. he held out his golden complexioned hands as she snatched the book from him. Maria got closer, stepped on her tippy toes and pointed up, pushing Donald’s nose in the air like he was just a bigger version of one of her students.
“If you tell anyone, I will kill you jerk.”
“I think it was pretty nice. Didn’t know you had such a vivid imagination. You’re cooler than I thought.”
“You would say that. Shoo, shoooo. My kid’s are coming and you see those damn windows with the little midget handprints all over them? How about you clean them one day instead of going through stuff that doesn’t belong to you mister.”
“Okay Ms. Velazquez, I will get on it today, promise. Your writing truly is amazing though. Keep at it. You have a fan.” Maria watched as Donald grabbed his mop handle and pushed his bucket out of the room. She shook her head then blew on the single curl that she missed from earlier as it landed in front of her glasses. The bell then chimed.
Chapter 3: Kid #20
Maria tosses her notebook in her desk drawer. Immediately after, 19 raucous kids run into the class room.
“Please walk Mr. Thomas… Daisy keep your hands to yourself…Christopher! I’m going to take your star away already young man if you don’t clean that snot off your nose!” Maria screamed by habit. “Kinda shit? How did he get out of the house like that?” she said a bit lower to herself. She shakes it off and then begins to call roll. She knows that it is humpday because everyone is here. Just dandy. Maria decides to just start with a little arithmetic to start getting their young fragile brains working. She writes a few problems down in increasing difficulty. Behind her she hears giggling. It’s too early for giggling. She turns around just in time to see the first note of the day being passed.
“Ninjas you guys are not. You know the rules. Kaliah…bring it up.” Kalia was the prettiest girl in class. Her face turned bright red as Ms. Velazquez called her up. “With the note missy.” Kalia puffed, turned around and picked up the note and then brought it up. Maria opened it up and squinted her eyes at the developing fundamental handwriting with the most famous two boxes being evident. “Who wrote this?” The whole class pointed at Ricky.
“Aww man! You guys are some haters!” Ricky said throwing his little hands up.
“Come up here young man and read this out loud to the class since you want to be a little cassanova.” Ricky walked up and cleared his throat.
“Kalia. You R ugli. You ride bikes goodder than me. I like u. You like me? Yes or no.”
“You didn’t put a question mark at the end of that sentence, beyond other fragments mister. Why should she even take you seriously?”
“There are no rules when it comes to love Miss.” Maria just stares at him and laughs.
“Kalia, do you like Ricky?”
“He pushed me off the monkeybars yesterday. Noooooooo!” exclaimed Kalia as she stuck out her tongue.
“You see little Romeo, this is what happens when you write your feelings. Things go sour. Just keep them to yourself and it will be okay. No one can hurt you.”
“I’m not worried miss. She will be my girlfriend. I just have to try a new angle.”
“Yeah, yeah. How about you try a new angle on this math problem since you know all the answers.” Maria says as she points at the board.
“Easy 1+1..” Ricky says, as he holds up his index finger on each hand and slides them closer to each other, “is eleven!.” Maria’s eyes, literally turn into dots.
“Sit down sir. Kalia please find you a doctor. Please…for me.”
As everyone sits down, the door opens. A small boy with overalls and long sleeves walks in. He stops and looks around the room and begins to scratch his stomach. His hair is a dirty blonde and is weirdly chaotic. He walks over to Maria with a note.
“So you are a new student huh? They just make you guys walk yourselves these days? What’s your name?”
“Just call me Dex. It is nice to meet your acquaintance. Where shall I sit in this miserable holding cell?” the new boy asked.
“And I thought I was grumpy. There is a seat by the window. Take that one. and just so I can gauge your level of math, answer any problem on the board before you sit.”
“They are all trick questions, because in the end, it only matters who you know and how much butt you are ready to kiss in the job market. That’s what my dad told me. All of these tests are illusions that you will never need past the year you learned it.”
“Sadly your dad seems to to be a smart man. Sit down Dex, I hate you already.”
Chapter 4: Teacher’s Perspective
Hours passed and the day only got zanier. Dex turned out to have maybe been the worst first grader in the history of all that was first grade. His first offense was when I looked back and actually saw him climbing out of the window. When asked why, he said that it was because he left his trike lights on. Another came when he unbuttoned his overalls, pinched his tummy and started making it talk for the girls (which they loved…oh how simple we were). Another time, he was walking out of the class on a cell phone. When I confiscated it and answered, it was a damn sex hotline. He said he was trying to call and see how many payments he had left on his tricycle loan. I knew then that I should’ve sent him to the office, but he was mildly interesting. During snack time, all the girls gave him their treats. When I told him to give them back he told me, he was arranging this all as a gift to me, to show his appreciation of helping with his education. I smelled bullshit, but told him he could have them.
Later on that day, I heard a loud snoring and saw he fell asleep in the aisle, and some kind of way, his pants were down. I asked him why and he assured me it was definitely not because he was drunk. Knowing that wasn’t even possible, I even excused that. Later Emily slipped in a puddle of pee…all signs pointed to Dex. Naturally Dex pointed to Ricky. Even later, for no reason at all, Kalia stands up and screams “I love you Ricky!!!” and ran over and started kissing his face. I looked up and saw Dex doing what he later told me was “hitting his dougie”.
The final occurrence came when a paper airplane flew to the chalkboard. I read “What up with all that wagon you draggin?” Everyone in the class pointed at Dex…who was already standing up on his desk, with both his thumbs up pointing at himself. I had no choice but to give him detention…ughh…now I have to stay here longer.
Chapter 5: Lesson in Love or Love Lessons (we know its the same, just pick).
So young Dex, the seemingly troubled, or evil genius has now found himself in detention.
“Young man, where did you come from. I just came from the office and they said I don’t have a student named ‘Dex’! You have quite a bit of explaining to do! Where is your mother?”
“Okay, you’ve caught me. This whole thing has been an elaborate ploy to get you to love. Let’s start right here.” Dex jumps up and bursts out of his clothes…yeah…ass naked. Maria looks puzzled, but then her senses kick in as she sees this child spread his wings and pull out an eyepatch.
“Cupid (Who didn’t see this coming? We have to do better at tricking you guys- Management). We meet again. I should’ve known.”
“Yes Ms.Velazquez, I’m back to start what I finished.”
“You mean finish what you started?”
“I mean start what I finished from what I finished from what I started.”
“You’re so…” A distraction, Maria picks up an eraser and throws it at Cupid. The chalk dust gives her time to bust through the door with her shoulder. Cupid quickly flies after. She throws trash cans, notebooks, worlds (well globes, but you get the idea) at he pursuing cherub. In turn he tries to shoot her with many shots. Maria has done this song and dance with the winged cherub before, and is always a step ahead, barely dodging. “You won’t get me, I’m not ready micro nuts!”
“Why does everybody talk about my balls? I’m the size of an infant! What am I supposed to have?” he retorts as he throws a lovebomb that destroys several lockers, but just misses Maria in the blast radius.
“Oh you’re using the powerful shit today, huh Cupi!” Maria stops running and jumps straight in the air. Cupid unable to stop his forward momentum finds himself kneed right in the gut. They both fall to the floor, and Maria punches him twice more in the balls (yeah…she’s pretty good at fighting if you can’t tell). Cupid grabs her nipple and twists it. She pimp slaps him. He spins around, and uses the momentum to throw several lovedarts. They catch Maria and pin her to a locker. He limps over, with his gun in hand. He cocks it.”
“You’ve had a good run Ms. Velazquez. Close your eyes, love doesn’t hurt.”
“FUCKKKK YOU!” she screams. Cupid lowers his pistol.
“Hold up. Why are you so angry? Last time we did this, you were 20. And you told me you weren’t ready. That day you got the best of me and I heard you out. You wanted to finish school, find a job, make a career. Be more stable. You don’t think I’ve given you this time? I let you live this life where you put work over your own personal life. You don’t go out and even meet people. I’ve been keeping an eye on you. You work, complain about it, go home, sleep early, complain about getting up and start right back over. I’m sick of it…what are you waiting on?”
“I’m just not ready okay! I liked teaching, but I wanted it to be creative writing. And with a university. This was the only thing they had open. I’m no where near where I want to be and a man would only confuse that. Plus, I don’t come in contact with the type of men I need. Someone who is equally as successful as I want to be so they can push me. I can’t have anything take me off my path. I know if I keep doing this something will come about.”
“Maria…look” He raises his pistols and shoots her in both of her legs.
“WHAT THE FUCK…ARGHHHHHHH!!!”
“Shut up, Shut upppp! Damn lovebullets. They don’t even hurt.”
“Ohh, you’re right. But why did you do that? I told you I wasn’t ready!”
“You’re never going to be ready at this rate. Look, I know what you have been writing. But you just keep it secret to yourself and nothing good will come from it. Your erotic fiction is mind blowing! How do you think Donald got it?”
“What the hell!!!! I’m gonna…”
“You’re going to do nothing. You know you like that guy. And he wasn’t lying he’s a real fan and wants to be there for you. I’ve hit him with the arrow years ago.” Maria looks, then starts to cry.
“Why did you do that. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him, he is a janitor. I know I couldn’t be with him. My whole life is dedicated to me. And I can’t have someone that doesn’t share in my goals and is what I see myself being with.”
“But he does share them numbskull. He wants you to succeed. And what’s wrong with getting to know the guy? It seems like what you are missing in your life is someone that makes you feel that anything is possible. You need someone to tell you how great your orgasmic stories are as well as push you to write them, to keep the boxes of the world moist with joy.”
“Umm, that was nasty.”
“A bit too far?”
“I read your books. Very sensored compared to ‘I await his salty jiz…”
“Okay, I get it! Your point?”
“Give in to your heart. Work will always be there. Watch how different your life goes.” Maria looks down and lets a single tear fall. She then smiles. The effect of the bullet has taken place.
“Ughhh…okay!!! I’ll give it a try.” She looks up to see Cupid is gone. Like magic, Donald runs up.
“Maria! What happened here? Why are you pinned to a locker?”
“Just help me up, it’s been a long day Donnie.” He begins to pull out the darts.
“Donnie? That’s a first, thought I was a jerk, lol,” He then helps her up. “I like this.”
“Your hair. It’s all curly. Makes you look dangerous. Don’t really want to know why you’re so sweaty, but I..”
“Shut up..” was the last thing Maria said before sticking her tongue down Donald’s throat. In a shock of passion, he picks her up in his grizzly arms grasping her ass… pinning her against a locker, and sliding her guard to the side. It was love at first touch.
Years have passed and things have gone quite great for little Maria. Maria Davis actually. And she had old Donald wrong. You see, at the time he was a budding entrepreneur. Owned his own cleaning janitorial service that ran through several businesses with a few employees. He was always raised to lead by example, so he swallowed his pride years ago and was actually just filling the spot at the school himself, and because he fancied a certain little 1st grade teacher. If she would have kept her gauard up, she wouldn’t have ever seen that she was in contact with a future millionaire almost daily. And, well, she’s not teaching anymore…not first graders at least. He convinced her that her stories were too great to remain in her book and got her to self publish, which later led to a signing million dollar bonus with one of the biggest publishers in the states, as well as a hit TV show for adults only of her most popular series, ‘Teach me Cupi’ (Cupid gets no royalties, after taking $1000 upfront to pay his back rent).
Now a days, whenever Maria wakes, she saves time by leaving her hair curly and dangerous, and with a smile on her face. She is also usually 90% horny, but can just roll over and have her husband have his way with her (and she even convinced him to go bald, go figure). Gives her tons of material daily, and she teaches lectures on writing all across the world. Silly how giving into your heart…just makes everything better I suppose. Give it a try. It worked for me. Hope you all enjoyed my tale.
-M. D. 🙂