There is a rain cloud above my head…like a little miniature rain cloud…and it’s raining on me. What in thine holy fuckery? You know what? It can stay. I think it’s serving a slight purpose right now. It’s another Loveless Wednesday and this cloud suits my mood today. I was told to make this a cheerful post (it involved me and Jeff riding mini bikes while being chased by Armageddon Grannies…I can’t make this shit up people), but as usual, I’m lost in the mood.
Why am I feeling this way you ask? Well I’m just in thought. The main one being Psyche. Every time I talk to her it seems I just lose her more and more (very evident by her just hanging up and telling me she hopes my left ball explodes. Am I overreacting, or was just a wee bit harsh? I’m just saying). Why oh why, if I am the great Cupid, would she not just want me back? I’m not going to go into our tale, just know that as I fly merrily around, giving all of this love advice and shooting love bullets in everything I see, sometimes I wish someone could sit back and do the same for me. I’m pretty flawed in case you can’t see…sometimes even Cupid needs advice. If I’m supposed to be the love expert, then why do I have a hard time giving myself advice sometimes?
I sat with a friend today and asked him this. This friend…was Jeff. Not the first guy that would’ve been on my list of makeshift psychiatrists, but fuck it, he was sitting beside me at the bar. Got to take what you can get sometimes. Take from this conversation what you will.
“Pass me those pretzels Jeff”
“No prob, but first you have to answer a question to determine whether you are worthy of delicious salty snakery.
“Fuck it man! Fuck you and them pretzels!!!… *stares* Shit! Are they really delicious though?”
“Deliciousosity C. Make me wanna drool thinking about it, but the salt acts as an absorbent, rendering me with slight cotton mouth…that delicious cotton mouth though.”
“That sounds amazing. Go ahead. Ask your question of worthiness.”
“You gotta choose between bein wit a chick whose ass you gotta lick or one who shards on herself but you don’t gotta lick her ass. Who you choose?”
*The blankest stare ever recorded in existence* “Muthafuck those bloody fucking pretzels!!! What kind of sick ass shit is that man?……………………..
……..grrr…Fresh out the shower, I have to clean it…I’d lick…maybe.”
“Ewww… You nasty as fuck C. But I respect it.” *slides over pretzels* “The fuck? Is that a tear? They’re good, but not that good dude. You got something troubling you blondie?”
“Ain’t no damn tears. Fucking rain cloud stalking me outside *sniffs* I don’t know man…what’s wrong with me. Why does it seem like the God of Love sucks at it? I just can’t fix this shit with Psyche. Hell, I’m kind of bad in relationships in general. I can get them to fall easy as hell, but then it just seems to get hard”
“You’re fucking selfish dude, and an ego maniac.”
“Damn! Is it kick a cherub in the ding ding day? Where did that analysis even come from and why you didn’t hesitate at all to say it? I don’t think I’m selfish.”
“I mean the ego maniac part is easy. You just called yourself the God of Love to me. I’m J double man, you don’t have to say that pompous shit to me. And you do it quite often, like we owe you something because of that. You’re no better than the rest of these people. Feeling like you’re supposed to get special treatment all the time and shat. Dude, I’m ya’ mans twenty grand, pots and pans. You can be all the way real when you’re around me.”
“Damn fatty…I never thought about it like that.”
“Yeah dude, imagine how Psyche probably felt hearing that shit all the time. She knew who you were; you didn’t have to make her feel like she needed to be grateful just because she was with you. You’re the one that feel in love with her. You were the lucky one. That ego shit helped push her away.”
“That was pretty deep Jeff. But ‘That’s okay, she be back. Another Quaalude, she’ll love me in the morning!’”
“Haahah! Scareface quote, 92 cool points off rip.”
*Nods* “You like that right?”
“It was pretty dope. Not gonna lie. But even that…you want everything your way.”
“At the expense of others though man. You can’t always have things your way. Say for instance how you can get me all the girls…and you just hog them…selfish as fuck dude. J double got needs too man.”
“I knew this would take a turn for the stupid.”
“Think about it though. Have you ever wondered why you’ve been alive for all this time and I’m your only friend and hell you treat me like shit (I fux with that shit though C…I shed a single tear outta respect every time you leave the room)? Or why you got all these women chasing you and you don’t have a lady, including Psyche who left you.”
“Damn Jeff, this has been eye opening. Maybe I got some stuff to work on…? Damn. The thing is, where do I start? This isn’t easy to change habits millennia old. Even if it’s not Psyche, I want to make some girl happy…hmm actually that girl right there at that dart board” *cocks gun real fast* I already love you.
*Pulls gun down* “Like that C, you can’t be out here lovin em’ all.”
“But I do love them all…”
“Well you’re in for a life time of pain dude. Sides, I like Psyche. She’s all bite sized and shit.”
*draws pistol* “I’ll kill you dead you fat fuck!!!”
“And that was your test. You passed. Now go figure out what to do. It’s cool to me that you all emo and shit. Makes for funny times honestly. For that advice, go ahead and shoot that chick for me…that looks like all the fun. Nobody not want to have all the fun.”
Fuck! This cloud is still out here…and I’m still a little upset. Jeff was right (now that I think about it…how in the fuck was Jeff right about shit. Everyone has their moments I guess). I got some work to do. I’m sure watching us ramble was probably not the award winning Loveless Wednesday you were hoping to see today, but the advice was legit. By helping me analyze my problems it gives me a bit of clarity on how I can improve as a better God of…ahem…A better me. Take heed to what the people who are closest to you tell you. They only want to see the best from you and will give you an honest opinion. Wait, Jeff might actually like to see me fail…but I can’t tell in this instance.
I’m all about you guys chasing what you love but what sets the precursor is who you are in general. Listen to sound advice and become the best you possible. I’ll do the same, and maybe this rain won’t have to hide tears I may or may not be dropping. Now let me go and see how I can fix my issues *cues ‘Moves like Jager* hell it makes a cherub smile, don’t judge. *Points pistol…shoots*
PS- The best me possible is not out here licking ass.