40 hours. That’s what the judge told me yesterday as the gavel was banged. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My public intoxication situation was looking pretty grim due to my repeat offenses, so community service is damn near a slap on the wrist (I kind of peed on everyone while standing on a bar shouting “Freshly squeezed Lemonade refreshment!”….I really have got to get my life together). My sentence was supposed to be 120 hours, but it’s hard to punish a guy that looks like a kid late for his mid-day snack time. Regardless my punishment was imminent. So where was I off too?
That question has lead me to City Hall. For some reason, they thought it best if they could keep an eye on me. Allegedly, I was being accused of being able to get out of my civic duties with my unique art of persuasion (fuck I was ready to shoot some shit up). They ordered me to keep my weapons of love at home and wear a fucking suit. It almost feels like being in prison with my little parts all covered. Not to mention they decided it was best if I wasn’t around any women to do my work for me. I hate this shit more than I hate Jeff’s ingrown toenail.
With all of this being said, I found myself as the assistant filing attendee behind this dipshit named Earl. Earl made me angry. His puss filled pimples made me want to gouge my eyes out with rusty forks. He kept badgering me about why I wouldn’t make some model like him, after his repeated twitter mentions to her. I let him know that I had someone special for him, but they needed to beat parole and preferably cut their beard. As Earl’s launched toward me, he made the big mistake of taking my kindness for weakness as I hit him with what I call a “two piece combo with fries (or two gut punches and an uppercut for you unimaginative types)”.
After Earl’s ass was thoroughly whooped, I found myself in the District Attorney’s office. He didn’t look too pleased with me…but then again, who is *shrugs*.
“Why are you always fucking up?”
“Define ‘fucking up’? I was helping him out by letting him know that he actually would rather be a little more submissive in his love life. My baby sized fists were only an introduction to what he’s in store for with his mate”.
“I hate you…and your smug attitude…and your fucking fame. You know we can’t lock you up. We’d have protesters here before we could blink our damn eyes. Not to mention we are afraid as to what you would do in prison.”
“Yeah, I fucked up big time the last time I was there. Around 1100AD… I thought the biggest meanest guys just needed a little love…I wasn’t aware they would find it with each other.”
“Well…they don’t care this time. They want you to learn you can’t just go around beating up people. But I’m a bit smarter than that. This is going to trial…and you will lose. There are cameras and too many eyewitnesses. Not to mention Earl is a vindictive little piece of shit.”
“Well that’s that *scratches bellybutton*.”
“No, we got you the super lawyer. He’s going to get you off. Your punishment are his ridiculously high legal fees. Those we will not be handling. Off you go.”
I head to the lawyer’s office. I soon find myself looking the super lawyer, Max Powers, right in the face. We stare at each other for five minutes. I guess he was trying to size me up. After all that silence he finally speaks.
“I hate you…”
“This is getting redundant.”
“And I hate your fucking smug attitude!”
“What about the fame?”
“I was following patterns. Is my case really that hard to win? I kick ass all the time.”
“This case is child’s play. Earl is clearly jealous of you and he lunged at you. Simple. I hate you because you are ruining my life.”
“Your name isn’t Max Powers is it?”
“Legally it is now. What’s that matter?”
“That’s why I didn’t recognize you. How’s Mary Ann? You two were a good day for me.”
“We sit at home in silence… she is over this. I can see it when I look in her eyes. She doesn’t care about my accolades and such anymore. It’s like we are strangers in our own home. I know she wants to leave me. And I can’t live like this. Is it better to be sad, yet okay with her, or repairing, yet devastated without her?”
“That sucks, so about my case…”
“Fuck this case! I can’t lose her. I’ll never find another woman this great in my life!!! You have to make her fall in love with me again!!!!!! That is the only way I’ll help you!!!!!!!!”
“All those exclamation points make me want to punch you. Not helping my case much, but truthful nonetheless. Look Maxxy…I can’t make a person just want someone back. I’ve already done my job. I can’t double up on the love. They either do…or they don’t. And it doesn’t go away as most people think. They just come to the realization of how they really feel. Now with this being said…I will help you see if she is indeed uninterested. Tell me sir, what happened…”
*lays on random psychiatrist chair* “Well everything was perfect…”
“That’s usually what they all say Mr. Powers. I can tell this will be a long story…please continue…”
We got you guys on the edge of your seats eh? Well this is all you get this week. I know…I know, you hate me (I need a fan club for this) and want to hear it now, but the rest of Max’s little tale is one that requires it’s own reading session and one that I know that many of you will be able to relate too. Hopefully by living his experience, we can either laugh at our own pasts, realize what we have may not be the situation we want to be in, or appreciate what we do have. At any rate, I’ll see you guys next week. Same Loveless time and shit.
To be continued… (Side note: When I was young, I read this as “to be contented…” I was clearly an idiot).