So You Want to Fuck an Artist
It hasn’t escaped me that this site is all about love. But what’s love without a little bit of lust? Don’t worry, I’ll wait… Plus, if you’re like me, you love fucking and you find it to be a subject that is worthwhile to explore and ruminate upon. But because you clicked this link, I think it’s safe to say that I’m preaching to the choir here.
You opened this blog because you want to fuck an artist (or because you’re an artist and you want to know exactly what’s being said about how to get you naked and aroused). You hang around at art shows and parties in hopes of catching a glimpse of them. You follow them on social media. You’ve imagined exactly what it would be like to have those same hands that they use to create masterpieces all over body. I don’t blame you. I feel the same way about Frank Ocean… and Syd the Kid… and the Bajan barista at my campus coffee shop (there’s an art to espresso)… and this activist chick I know (there is certainly art in movement building) who I once overheard fucking her girlfriend. *sigh*
Making this a worthwhile reality can seem so unattainable, impossible even. But it certainly doesn’t have to be that way. Fucking an artist can be amazingly fulfilling and highly pleasurable. You just have to approach it the right way. Lucky for you, I’m here to help.
- Spare yourself some time and mind-energy by being yourself. You know what’s lame as hell at a party? People who are clearly trying really hard to be or look “different.” You know why? Because it makes them the same as the 47 other people in the room doing the same thing. They all look really awkward in their attempt at eccentricity and everyone else can tell. So don’t try to be “artsy” if you’re not. Artists hate that shit. Don’t waste an hour trying to figure out how to mix your prints and wear your sneakers when in actuality you’re much more of a plain white tee and Timbs kind of person. (By the way, if you are the latter type of person and you also have locs, you should call me.) Committing to honest self-expression makes you more comfortable and more confident. Your fantasy-artist-bae is going to notice that before anything else.
- Some artists are assholes. And I know folks have spent the last couple of years trying to make “asshole chic” a thing, but it’s not. Assholes don’t deserve the poon poon or the peen. So make sure the artist you want to fuck isn’t one.
- Don’t be so enraptured with an artist’s talent or persona that you sacrifice your sexual gratification. Trust me, neither their charisma nor their art will give you the orgasm that you’re ultimately looking for. Sure, they might be good with their hands, but there is always a chance that they don’t know the first thing about how to handle a pussy in their face. Be prepared to take charge of moments like this: communicate what you need, and walk away from the situation if it’s not satisfying! Walking away from the experience you’ve been fantasizing about for months might seem unfathomable. But be honest with yourself, is it worth it if the sex is trash?
- This might seem obvious, but sometimes we forget these things in the heat of the moment. Use protection because you’re not the only one who wants to fuck said artist. And if you do fuck them, it’s highly unlikely that you’re the first one to do so. The great memories you make together aren’t going to cheer you up when you’re staring an unplanned pregnancy in the face, or filling a prescription for antibiotics at your local CVS. I’m just saying.
Heed these tips and you could be playing muse to your own personal Basquiat or Khalo by the weekend. And if you’re feeling slighted because you’ve realized that this advice applies to most human beings and not just artists, I have two responses. First, I just needed a hook that matched the nature of the site. Second you’re an idiot if you were silly enough to think that there was some magic remedy to get laid by artists in the first place! These tips aren’t even likely to help someone like you because you’re in it for the wrong reasons. Artists are people, too, despite what their follower-to-following ratio on Twitter says. Fucking them isn’t rocket science.
But good luck with that.
[Image via Homodesiribus. Paige Powell]