I just personally want to apologize for everything that you are about to read. Before I even utter a single word to my enemy, turned friend, turned…man I don’t know what we are, just know that Jeff is his own special type of person. It’s admirable…I think. Just be prepared to witness a creature like none other. You’ve been warned…

 

CUPID: Before I start, Psyche said you need to pay her or she will stab you in the heart and do something bout hell on earth or something.

JEFF: Sounds like her time of the month is on or something. You still want that chick? Nobody not just stab somebody in the heart…nobody…

C: I wish you knew how stupid you sounded sometimes. That was a triple negative…

J: I feel what you saying but at the end of the day beef taco…ya feel me C?

C: … Strangely I do. I want to cut this interview short and really see what is going on with these beef tacos.

J: Of course you do dude, but beef tacos are life…that delicious life. But just know I got first dibs on them cheese sprinkles.

C: The hell are we talking about?

J: Women’s periods…

C: I don’t want to talk about that anymore then.

J: Yeah…we gotta get our life together man. Nobody not be on that not not.

C: I’m a little drunk, but I swear talking to you kills brain cells by the syllable.

J: What does a silly bull have to do with any of this interview?

C: I forgot all about the interview. Jeff … stop being stupid for a second and tell everyone about yourself.

J: Sup people, I’m Jeff. J double F, ya feel me?  I’m what your girlfriend is thinking about right now, professional stalker, Cheesy Puff connoisseur, and all around evil genius. The cheapest thing I have on is my socks and they’re three hunnid.

C: …

J: Ya feel me? No? Tight.

C: I’ll give you one thing…you’re a unique little fuck. To anyone who hasn’t noticed Jeff is a devil, and unfortunately my roommate. Why and how this is the case baffles me.

J: I remember the day I met you C. So I was minding my own business eating a doughnut…

C: NO! I was minding MY own business eating a doughnut then you tried to steal it. I just remembered that shit. You were literally trying to kill me now that I think about it.

J: You gotta let that shit go C. I didn’t know you so it was the only option.

C: You were going to kill me over a doughnut Jeff…

J: Death over doughnuts dude…death. Shit’s real.

C: …

J: I’m a devil bro, I go to extremes with my bad decisions.

C: Noted…

J: You in essence made me like this. I’m not even evil like I used to be. You shot me with a million of those love bullet shits. Hell, you’re the evil one.

C: I had to defend myself. Sides, I wasn’t going to kill you.

J: So you wouldn’t have killed me C?

C: …

J: It’s cool man you can tell me.

C: Yes…I would’ve killed the fuck out of you. Damn God of War in my genes. It worked out though. Since you’re a devil, all those bullets just mellowed you out to slightly less evil.

J: I’m still evil dude. I just don’t feel like acting on it anymore. I just want to have fun and live the life I want.

C: Which is? 

J: Professional freeloader…all I’ve ever wanted. Your love bullets helped me realize it. Shit, nobody not just wants to not chill on the daily. Thanks for letting me be your roomie.

C: You and your language. Anyway, it’s the least I could do. For all of your stupidity you’re an okay companion. If only you would pay the damn rent on time.

J: No worries C. I got it after this table tennis tournament I’m entering next week. I got a mean backhand.

C: You’re not going to have rent are you?

J: Yeah bro, relax. If that doesn’t work out I’ve already arranged to be the getaway driver in this armed robbery. It’s all good C, chillax.

C: *Blank stare*

J: I know that look…beef tacos?

C: *Sigh* Beef tacos…lets go.