Loveless Ken

Loveless Ken

Hey mates. Cupid here…slightly buzzed but more than ready to handle the interview this week. It’s my first time interviewing a guy and naturally…we started talking about madness. Meet Loveless Ken. Whoa…it’s like 12am. Wonder if this guy is gonna be pissed. Let’s invade his life…

Cupid: Sorry I’m late…promise I have a good excuse.

Ken: You’re good. I get up 2 hours early to go to work every day and still find a way to be late!

C: That’s just fucking awesome. I personally blame everything on Jeff. It’s usually his fault anyway.

K: I can imagine. I’ve heard things about that guy.

C: So you know about the bank heist?

K: I haven’t heard THAT much! Hopefully it was successful because I need to borrow a few bucks.

C: I’ll give you twenty if you get it in your head that there is no way I could be a successful getaway driver…

K: Let me guess: trouble seeing over the steering wheel?

C: *Sigh*… It was tragic man…fucking tragic. Think you could have done a better job mate?

I mean…if there was even a robbery in the first place *blank stare*.

K: Hypothetically speaking, of course! I mean I have enough tickets to know that I can drive fast and speed is 85% percent of a good getaway. Not that I know from experience or anything, I’m just sayin’…

C: So hypothetically speaking…if…let’s say, a guy in red overalls with a devil tail and a kid with blonde hair, both wearing presidential masks, needed you to be in a car at a specific place and time…and offered you a handsome bit of cash to drive them to Mexico expeditedly, you’re guaranteeing a clean getaway?

K: Clean as a whistle!

C: Alright guys we got him. This internet trace was being monitored. I’m sorry bud they made me do it…

K: No hard feelings my dude. However, I felt this line of questioning was gonna turn sour, so you may be interested to know that I had some guys headed to your crib to have a talk with you just in case something happened to me. So yeah…

C: Bloody fucking hell! *Cocks pistols (which would mean something if they didn’t shoot love…fuck)* No worries my good sir, there are no authorities on the way to you ((allegedly)). I thought I’d ask about your driving prowess because of your addiction to Grand Theft Auto that I’ve heard about.

K: Oh well in that case…*calls off the dogs*. Yeah that damn GTA…they’re worried about kids playng that shit but in the hands of a slightly unhinged, road rage having, firearm owning adult, it can be even more dangerous. Not that I know anyone like that though…

C: Of course not guy. I too partake in my share of carnage with Grand Theft. People don’t know how intense that game is. Give them a glimpse by telling a memorable moment you’ve had playing it. I’ll let you know mines next.

K: I’ve been playing the series since ’98 and there have been a lot of hours logged, so I really can’t think of any one moment to speak on. However when theViceCity and San Andreas games released, I made it a point to take the day of release and the following 3 days off work. I wouldn’t go to school or leave my house for that matter either…yeah I had it bad. I still haven’t completely kicked the habit to be honest.

C: Trust me I understand. I take a break every time a new one comes out. Let’s just say breakup rates actually increase when this game hits shelves (ladies…prepare…the new one is coming out next year…forgive my lack of love shooting –Cupid).

Okay here is my story.

So in GTA San Andreas, which was the game centered around CJ, whom was a black male living in a gang like setting based off of early 90’s Los Angeles. Well, a third of the way into the game CJ is beaten and taken out of his setting of the hood and dropped off into rural farmlands around mountains, extremely far away from the city. There is nothing left to do in said hood, so to progress in the game you had to continue play in the rural areas and eventually make it to Las Vegas.


Well I was watching Jeff play. Upon CJ being taken to the rural area, Jeff proceeded to beat a guy up, steal his bike and literally take an hour driving back to the hood. I was like “What the fuck are you doing? There’s nothing left to do there fucker!” Jeff’s response, “I gotta hold down the hood C. I can’t turn my back on it *single tear*.”

He then shot an old woman and stole her car. It was at that exact moment…I knew my hate for Jeff was real…

K: Jeff has the right idea though. Shooting old women, beating up prostitutes, running over pedestrians & shooting it out wth the cops…that’s the life!

C: I need new friends apparently. Enough about the life of crime we want. Tell the people a bit about the real Loveless Ken.

K: The real Ken is pretty boring. I’m a very “regular Joe” kind of guy. I work, go to the gym, spend time with my family and friends and whatnot. My “exciting” moments are few and far in between these days…

C: Man, we just beat up prostitutes. Hell you mean your life is boring?

K: That whole hooker assault thing is only on the weekend. It’s easier to lose the police if necessary with all the people that are out and about.

C: So it’s tame on the weekdays? I think you’re just modest man. Give us a good story. Something exciting from your life.

K: Well kinda touching on the “alleged hypothetical” discussion we talked about earlier, because I’ve lived in Atlanta so long, I am able to at times evade law enforcement when I happen to be speeding or texting while driving or something of that nature and I can lose them and not have to go out of my way to get back on my original route. It’s kinda hard to explain but I did it the other day and it always gives me a rush…you know what? I didn’t just say that!

C: Wow…nothing wrong with being a part time criminal. We were at Loveless support it whole heartedly (editor- We at Loveless Society do not support being a criminal…unless you really love it…then we would be hypocrites to say not too…shit).

You know another thing that is interesting about you. That cool Loveless tattoo. I know by you explaining that we’ll get some insight into you. Tell us about it.

K: Well most of the messed up situations that I’ve found myself in have involved money and/or women. So there my cherub is between his two “Temptresses”. One with money and the other holding the forbidden fruit from the Garden of Eden…I might offend some of the ladies if I explain my whole “Eve Theory”…but he’s just chilling there with his iPod, drowning out the bs and just keeping it moving.

C: Interesting. I’m sure they would be interested in hearing. Girls like to argue. Makes relationships fun for them. Psyche yelled at me for 3 hours straight one day because I tried to explain why it was a better idea to just have the toilet seat up when leaving the bathroom.

K: Well Eve gave Adam the forbidden fruit and got them kicked out of the garden and started the whole downward spiral of mankind and all that. Some would say that he could’ve said “no” and made his own decision but he took it because he trusted her…So Eve messed it up for everyone….pretty much.

C: Temptation is tough. I feel like many problems arise from it. Weird how we can’t resist things we know are wrong sometimes. I was there…Adam couldn’t resist Eve. That’s why we guys are the way we are. I’m sure many would agree with you.

Well I think that covers just about everything. You’ve been a fucking blast guy. Now before we beat up this security guard, steal this car and go on a high speed chase, do you have any parting words for the people?

K: Live for what is important to you. It may sound kinda cliché, but fuck what other people think. “Born alone, die alone”…unless you’re a twin, which in that case I can’t help you. But do what makes you happy and make the most of whatever your situation is or change it to make it work for you. Also I think I owe you a drink by the way but more on that later…

C: Great words by a great man. Fuck all this other shit, let’s go get that drink…and find a few ladies who deserve a couple lovebombs! Life of criminals…

K: That sounds like a plan! Bring your gun too!

C: Pow Pow!

Loveless Society

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