Loveless Santa

Loveless Santa

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the air

flew Loveless Cupid, with not the slightest of cares;

He landed quite swiftly on the snow covered streets

ready to cash out for charity at none other than the “House of Cheeks”.

Cupid walks in, and is greatly greeted;

His booster chair permanently in place, he is hastily seated.

The girls were in rare form, on the poles they twirled;

Cupid threw twenties, but enough “Where’s my favorite girl!”

And then she appeared, for tiny Cupid knew his near troubles,

because his money almost evaporates at the sheer sight… of Bubblez.

She sits on the loverboy and bites his cheek;

Cupid looks nonchalantly, his stare so meek.

“Cupi I’ve missed you, why would you leave my heart in doubt?”

She rubbed on his tattooed chest. With a tear and her lip…she’d pout.

“I apologize love, you know I’ve been busy,

the holiday season works me so hard I feel dizzy,

but you calm my nerves with your ohh so curly hair,

and I hope I’m not rude by complimenting this beautifully soft derriere.”

“Oh Cupi, you’ve been a bad boy,

today you are not allowed to touch this toy.”

Cupid shrugged to act like he didn’t care;

but his heart beat faster, and could help but admire one of his loves through stare.

As she danced, he noticed she had on the hat of Saint Nick;

“Love, why are you adorned with that awfully silly shit?”

“You’re so mean Cupi! Look, the bearded man over there;

He ran out of money so I took this as my fare.”

Cupid rubbed his eyes, then his face he winced,

“Goddamn Santa Clause, ain’t this bout a bitch!”

“Is it really? Wow! If I wasn’t in enamored with you I’d be amazed.

Love, why does his name put your cute face ablaze?”

“Well, I can’t lie. I’ve been a thorn in his side,

when it comes to popular mythical characters, I have my pride.

For he was one that was actually loved more than me,

So we have a feud that is more fierce than a kick from Bruce Lee.

At first he had three reindeer, then I made a blunder,

I shot the now missing one, let’s just call him Humper.

After I received the first coal in my stocking,

I thought a catastrophic love bomb in the elf shop would get shit popping!”

“Cupi! Why would you do such a thing!”

“I don’t know but there is nothing worse than seeing millions of elf peenie-weens…

But I digress, he then sent people shitty gifts saying they were from me,

to this day, people still throw at me these things unwanted from under their tree.

That got me way too angry and I crossed the line…

I caught Ms. Clause slipping with a love drive by…”

“Oh my how did that go…”

“Let’s just say, it’s a reason he says Ho Ho Ho……”

“Well he should be happy for you bringing that spark back”

“Viagra wasn’t on the market…plus he was a not so great in the sack”

“Too much info Cupi…my stomach feels sick.”

“If sorry love, but fuck blame it on Saint Nick.

Sides, I tried to make it right. Made him a relevant movie and shit,

Even got A list actor Billy Bob on it.”


Bubblez halts her handstand booty pop;

and takes off her hat and places it on tiny Cupid’s top.

He looks up at her and sees the good in her heart,

with a groan, he gets out the chair, ready for a fresh start.

He walks over to Nick and slaps him in back of the head;

“Fuck you doing here fatty while kids are waiting all cozy and shit in bed?”

He looked at Cupid with glossy eyes…

But as soon as the triple image merged he was all too wise.

What then escalated was a fight to amazing for AABBCC rhyme scheme;

which left both combatants pulverized and bloody it seemed.

“Hey to you too Nicholas. Now that I’ve beat your ass for ten minutes stratight,

why must we continue this silly hate?”

“She left me and it’s all your fault,

I’m a heart broken old man and this we can’t doubt.”

Cupid crawls over to old sobbing St. Nick…

And for old time’s sake gave him a punch in the dick.

“Why you do that?” Santa replied.

“I don’t know…Nick rhymed with dick” Cupid said with a sigh.

Cupid then told Nick that Ms. Clause was bored,

that is why his bullet turned her into a slore.

“Look, you’re a great guy man and we all know this

con’t ruin it and be hated like me over some dumb shit.

Christmas gives these kids a reason to believe in happiness,

what you give in essence is the start of bliss.

These blissful kids turn to giving adults,

your job is essential to the circle of happiness in sorts.

By learning to receive, they are enamored to give

One day, not so much physical, but hearts that is.”

Santa looked at Cupid and thanked him dearly.

Cupid let him know not to be so weary,

he’d book St. Nick a room with Destiny, Lola, and Mulan…

and a tiny gift…a bag of lovebombs.

Santa smiled, patted Cupid’s head.

“To think five minutes ago, I wanted you dead.”

“It’s no thing, my mentions are full of death threats,

Deliver those toys, no kid better be frowning. That’s our bet.”

With that Santa spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

and filled the strippers stockings; then turned with a jerk.

Laying his finger aside of his nose,

and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

he sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.”

Cupid scratched his head…continued to stare

“Why in the fuck those this strip club have a chimney there?

Fuckit…Merry Christmas from Loveless!”

-Loveless Cupid 

ps… Jeff wanted me to show all of his girls this. Me on the other hand…I’m about to go buy Psyche a gift right now. *flies away…drunk*


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