The tale of Renaldo Russell

The tale of Renaldo Russell

 Oh shit…hey you. It’s me…Cupid… I’ve had an emotional ass day, plus I’ve been drinking, but It’s Loveless Wednesday and I’ve got to have something exciting for you guys right? Well I’m here, despite my current appearance, to deliver a cautionary tale to you all because believe me, most of you need to hear it. Now open your ear holes….

Whether you believe it or not, I take my job quite seriously. Nobody can do this shit like me. I got good ass aim with these my little desert eagles (those are pistols…mines have hearts etched into them…cause they’re so pretty *blushes…then mans up…burps*). If you’re supposed to fall in love with something then I got that shit handled. Now people staying in love is entirely up to them, but I take pride in my ability to at least be able to get that emotion started. Sometimes, I’m just reminded that I can’t always make it happen as efficiently as I would like.

This was the case with a very rare individual named Renaldo Russell. Renaldo was an interesting fellow. He had one admirable thing about himself, which was that he didn’t care what anyone thought of him. However that was also his downfall as this mutha’fucker really didn’t give 0.5% of a shit about anything in this universe. He didn’t care about his future, anyone’s feelings… shit, he didn’t even care about learning.

Like, no bullshit…check out some of his high school test answers:


With this being the case, I took him on as one of my greatest challenges. Everyday I would do my best to shoot this guy, but I don’t know what it was…it was like he was love proof. The arrows would just bounce right off, or he would just evade the blow all together. I couldn’t believe it, so I sat with Renaldo and asked him what the hell was going on…

“I’m just not willing to accept it naked angel man. Fuck love! Love hasn’t gotten my family into a better situation and it definitely isn’t anything I need. I make my own rules. That’s why my skin is so tough, to keep me from being blinded by that crap.”

I felt defeated. In a way, I just thought that was as good as it got for the guy. At least with him living his life the way he wanted would be some type of twisted love I guess. So I left it alone.

That was fifteen years ago.

Earlier today I happen to be flying around and I see this kid crying on his step.

Me: “What’s the problem brat?”

Kid: *sniff* “Why are you naked?”

Me: “It’s laundry day, now shut up. Wait…Don’t shut up. What’s wrong kid?”

He then begins to tell me how his mom is really sick and he doesn’t know what to do. His dad is in there with her but it’s almost like he really doesn’t even care. The kid then tells me more…

“My mom is one of those people who would do anything to help the less fortunate. My dad was someone she met that was struggling and she helped him get a job and such. She would always tell me that even though it seemed as if he didn’t care about anyone, she could see into his soul and see that he was a good person. He’s never really expressed his feelings to either of us, but it’s even harder seeing her in that condition and him being clueless on how to comfort her.”

I tell the kid I don’t really know how he is using all of these big words and looks to be six… Then I remember I prolly look six, so we just call it even.

I decide to go in the house and who do I fucking see but Renaldo at the bedside of this child’s mother.

“Fucking loverboy, fine time for you to show up.”

“Hey Rey Rey. Just met your kid. Quite the charmer he is. How’d you make that?”

“This woman here is all about that love stuff. Guess it wore off on the kid.”

I look at her. There is a nurse by her side too… and a heart monitor. Shit’s looking bad.

“How’s this make you feel Rey?”

“I don’t know man. Fucked up I guess. She was alright. She could’ve done better than me. I mean look. All that fucking love and look at her. Some condition is going to take her out. Love gonna cure that?”

“It helps.”

“Fuck help…fuck it all, fuck it fucking all.”

I see that Renaldo is holding back tears. His pride won’t let him let any of them drop. I look at the woman struggling. The least I could do would be to give this woman a proper send off from someone whose love she has worked so hard to receive.

“Look at her Rey…Do you love her?”


“Simple question…do you love this woman. The only one to ever believe in you…even when I, and everyone else had given up on you. Look at her in her beautiful eyes and tell her something.”

He looks…His body trembles…the tears start. He holds her hand…something I can tell he has never done, and he looks at me “Please help me Cupid…I want to love her!” I draw my gun and let off a shot right to his head.

Renaldo starts bawling!




He lets out a loud scream and cries over this woman. I love you’s are pouring out as he begs her not to leave and she is his whole life. He gives a monologue that would win some awards. The guy who hated love, had it all this time. It was pretty heart wrenching…until we all heard that long beep…………….

We all looked up to see her still face smiling. The smile says it all… she loved him too and had given him the greatest gift ever.

Renaldo looked at me.

“What do I do now? Why would you give me this feeling when it’s too late? I don’t understand?”

“It’s not too late Rey Rey. You have a child outside that needs you. All of this newfound love you have needs to be transferred to that kid out there. This is all she ever wanted. This is what she has always wanted for you…to know that you are worth it.”

He wipes his eyes and kisses the woman’s cheek. I sniff twice trying to pretend like I was tough. He passes by me and mutters. “Thanks…I just wish you wouldn’t haven given up on me. I wish I could’ve shown her more.”

A single tear drops from my thuggishly chubby face. I tell Renaldo that I apologize for not believing and vow to never quit on anyone again.

I tell him that she is with him in spirit and will guide him toward better daily. If he misses her too much then he can apologize and through his actions with their kid, she will accept it. He nods and leaves the house. He grabs the boys hand and they walk a bit… into the sunset on some ironic shit.

I scream to Renaldo before he gets too far off…

“The gun wasn’t loaded…all this was inside you the whole time.”

He smiles and continues to walk away. I hear the ambulance as I fly away…. *fade into slow motion departing shot as the music plays*….




The point of that tale was to make you see that Renaldo had so much fucking love in him that I actually had no effect. He didn’t need my bullets and arrows. They weren’t his trigger. He needed something real to unlock it.

I hear people all the time say “fuck love”

Don’t let that hold you back. If there is something in front of you that makes you feel a way you can’t deny then you should embrace it. I was sad because maybe I could’ve pushed him more, so he could enjoy his feelings, but ultimately it’s not up to me as one has to be willing to accept them. Still, I am apologetic to anyone whom I can’t help in the time they want it, but regardless, it will come.

I apologize for any love troubles you have had, but I’m here now and I’m in your corner.

Let’s get out of here and find your happiness (oh and sorry about spending your money on a case of booze earlier. Let’s hit a bar…drinks on me).

-Loveless Cupid


[Test questions taken from “F in Exams” by Richard Benson. Extremely funny book.]


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